There's distance in the air and I cannot make it leave
I wave my arms round about me and blow with all my might
I cannot sense you close, though I know you're always here
But the comfort of you near is what I long for
When I can't feel you, I have learned to reach out just the same
When I can't hear you, I know you still hear every word I pray
And I want you more than I want to live another day
And as I wait for you maybe I'm made more faithful
Show me how I should live this
Show me where I should walk
I count this world as loss to me
You are all I want
Faithful by Brooke Fraser
Yesterday I celebrated my first month anniversary of being in China. I can't believe it's already been a month since I left home to start my new life here in China. This past month has caused me to grow in more areas than I would like to admit. I feel like I've gotten a really good clear look at myself over the past few weeks and a lot of the time I felt embarrassed of how childish I am at times or how shallow I found myself being.
Again I promised myself that I was going to try and be as transparent as possible when keeping this blog so if you don't like honesty...... you might need to close the internet window right about now.
But for the past 2 weeks or so I've felt like I've had a dark cloud following me very closely. I've had an amazing time since I've been here in China and the good out weights the bad by a vast measurement but non the less the dark cloud was still lurking very closely behind me. I didn't even know what the feelings were or where they were coming from but they were very real and very present. I started trying to describe the cloud of feelings to a few people close to me and found myself discouraged with the words that were forming in my mouth.
I've been exposed to things here that I would have only seen on the tv at home. Poverty isn't just in an infomercial here, it's starring you in the eyes on the street corners. Abandonment isn't just a "complex" or a stereo type anymore but I now know children names upon names that have been abandoned for one reason or another.
Through discussing my feelings with friends I realized that lingering feeling was heartbreak. We always have hope, you know that, I know that, but I've found myself having to tell myself over and over again that there is hope. I feel utterly helpless to help the ones around me that I've grown to love. And I've found myself utterly frustrated.
Over the summer when I visited China for the first time I wrote myself an e-mail. I knew that I wanted to return to China for long term and I didn't want to forget why. So a good friend gave me the advice of writing an e-mail to myself. So I did. And I had never opened the e-mail until yesterday.
"It's (my life in China) not going to look or feel anything like I will expect or imagine, but it is what God has me to do and there is no safer place for me to be but in His will"
So here's to 11 more months of heartbreak, frustration, smiles, little giggles, hugs, kisses, I love you's, painting little fingernails, getting makeovers, hand games that I don't think I'll ever understand, tickle fights and park days.
But today, tomorrow, in one week or in 11 months from now we all have 1 thing still, HOPE. Hope and love for a Creator that allows us to walk through this life that doesn't always make sense to our small earthly minds. But we never have to walk through it alone. My heart has never been more grateful for the Hope that I have in and through my Creator. Whether I have to hold onto the hope with a tight grip or if I feel it's ever near presence. We have hope non the less.
So here's to 11 more months of hope through the heartbreak