Wednesday, November 11, 2009

With a heavy heart....

This is going to be a short blog post but I wanted to let you know that I will not be blogging anymore until I return back home to the States in less than 2 days now.
My heart is broken about leaving my home here in China and my babies.
So I've decided I'm going to be a sponge for the last short days I have with them and soak up every moment I can.
To think 9.5 months ago I set out on a plane to work with orphans in China.
I thought I had an idea of what the future held for me but I was in for the ride of my life.
If you had told me all of the heart ache and changing of plans that I would encounter I would have hesitated to get on the plane. But thankfully God chooses to keep us in the dark.
But I can assure you that when I stepped on the plane 9 months ago I had no idea how deeply, madly in love I would fall for these precious children.
I feel like while living here I have worn many hats for these babies.
The big sister, the friend, the crazy aunt and the play mate.
But right now my Mommies heart for them is breaking into a million pieces.
I will be giving them kisses in a few days and they might be the last time I ever get to kiss their little faces in this lifetime.
And that breaks my heart.
I wish I could have kept count of the kisses that I have lavished on my precious babies.
The numbers would be staggering. Truly, in the thousands.
But I wanted each one of them to know that I believed with all of my heart that they were a beautiful, desired, and loved child. And that I was genuinely thankful for them.
I constantly think to myself about how I wish everyone in my life could come to this place.
If you could only come to this place and meet these children, then you would completely understand. You would meet these children and your life will be forever changed.
And I will be FOREVER grateful for these children.
I truly believe that the world would be incomplete without each one of them here.
God created them and I am so thankful that He did.
I've always been fearful to love.
It's been a life long struggle of mine.
I watch peoples hearts break in every area of my life and I've always been hesitant to give my heart away to anyone.
But at first glance, I gave these babies my heart on a silver platter.
And I have never once regretted that decision.
Not because they have loved me back or that I feel fulfilled by their love.
But because I find delight in the Lord through loving them.
When we love those that He called us to love, we delight Him.
And His delight is contagious and soul consuming.
So even though I find myself crying and my chest aching, I embrace the heart ache.
And I am thankful for the heartbreak.
Every time my eyes fill with warm tears or my arms ache for a little body to cuddle I will sing praises in my soul for these precious little souls.
I have no doubts that God has big plans for them and I wish I could be a fly on the wall to their life stories.
But I'm hopeful that one day years from now when I am walking side by side with my Jesus that I will make eye contact with a familiar pair of eyes.
And I will be able to spend eternity with them as we praise the Creator together.
Because in the end, we are all but orphans.
And He promises to not leaves us orphans, but He chooses to adopted us into His forever family.
To be adopted into the family of Christ is my prayer for each and every child in this place.
And every time the tears begin to run down my cheeks or my heart begins to ache I will choose to pray for their forever Father to sweep them off their feet and that they would spend their entire life falling madly and deeply in love with their Creator.


  1. I wish so much that you could have served the Lord by pouring love into those babies without having your heart be so broken as you now have to leave them...but He has no doubt used this experience to teach you MANY things, including how HIS heart aches for the fatherless...and for those who need a Redeemer.

    I will pray that God WILL let you be a fly on the wall of some of those precious babies!

    Blessings to YOU, sweet friend!

  2. Chrissy,

    You have such a beautiful heart, my sweet sister in Christ. Sharon Burick gave me your blog and I have been loving your posts the past couple weeks as I've acquainted myself with your story.

    I know so well the pain your heart is experiencing. I've been to the same orphanage in Guatemala 4 times and have grown to love the kids so much. You have invested apart of yourself in these children and they have been BLESSED. You are now beautifully broken for them. You made the choice to feel and love, following the call that God gave you. Now you can give your heart back to the Savior to hold and heal as you come back home.

    I have put your picture up on my prayer board and I'll be praying for you as I know the next couple of weeks will be hard.


  3. Chrissy I am sitting here crying with you! I can't even imagine the heartache. As I have read your blogs these 9 months I have seen a new Chrissy, you have changed from a young girl who didn't quite know what she wanted to a woman who has been so deepened by God that so many people don't get to experience. I love you and your rawness in your blog! I pray that as I begin my new journey that I could have such a testimony as yours!
    Dear Lord, I come to right now for my sister Chrissy. You called her and she followed and here she is at the end of her journey in China. I pray that you would begin to pour grace over her as she leaves these babies behind! I know that you have deepened her in ways that she probably doesn't even know yet. Areas that will show up later in her life. I know you have great and mighty things for her and I pray that she will keep this reckless abandonment towards you!! I praise you Lord for the callings on our lives and the grace to fulfill them. It is not by our strength but YOURS! In Jesus name, Amen

    Can't wait to see you!
    Shana Kay