2.5 months later and every time I get on my computer, his face is the one I see...
I don't know if anyone even reads this thing anymore, but I've gone to write in this blog SEVERAL times since I've been home.
But every time I sit down and allow myself to think about how badly I miss my precious babies I leave the computer crying and without a blog post.
So now, I have the strength and so far the tears are being held back.
Since I have been home, I realized how much these precious children and China changed my life forever. I truly did come home a different person.
Better in some ways and more broken in others.
I knew what to expect upon coming home but even when you try to prepare yourself for the emotions, they still take you by surprise daily.
After being home for only 2 weeks I was standing in a lunch line at a local sandwich and soup restaurant. I hadn't really cried at all since I had been home at that point. I was happy to be home with my family and grateful for every moment I had with them.
But there was a young man standing with his back towards me in the ordering line, and there I stood with my mom and grandmother.
After the young man ordered and paid for his lunch he turned around to go and find a seat in the restaurant, and that's when I saw his face.
He was probably 18 years old and he had scars from a cleft lip operation.
And that's when it hit me. I felt my eyes swelling and burning with tears.
And yes, I started sobbing in the line for a sandwich.
I was the crazy lady, crying in the lunch line.
(I resisted running up to the young man and tackling him with a giant hug. That would have made this story a little more awkward)
And the reality sunk in, that I truly was now living across the world from the babies that stole my heart and taught me more about myself than anyone else in this lifetime probably will.
Now looking back, I can laugh with tears in my eyes. I embrace the inner "crazy emotional lady" because it reminds me that I was blessed enough to love such amazing little people.
*Words of advice to any and all readers: if you know anyone that is living across seas doing "missions" or humanitarian projects. When they get home, allow them to talk about what they've seen and done. It truly has been therapeutic and refreshing every single time someone sits down with me and says "tell me everything". (even if they don't want to know about it all)
You will bless someone's socks off my just sitting there and listening*
But after my melt down in the restaurant, I have only had a few more melt down moments since.
Luckily for me, none in such a public setting. :)
But I am just now working through the grief of loosing so many of my little babies.
I thought I had processed their deaths while living in China but looking back I realize I had just scratched the surface. The human heart and mind is such a testament to how complex and intricate our Creator truly is.
Those little adorable Asian faces and smiles are forever locked into my heart and soul.
I still believe that I have never been so close to the Living God as when I had one of His precious orphaned children sleeping in my arms.
They forever changed my life in more ways than one. But they taught me how to love without hesitation and without holding back. And what a blessing that has been in my life. I have never cried so much, but I have never been more grateful for every warm tear running down my cheeks.
And besides RADICALLY changing me internally, my precious babies have inspired me to become a nurse. So now the Chrissy Adams that had no idea what she wanted to be when she grew up, I now know.
I want to become a nurse so I can bless others as much as I have been blessed.
And I have a lifetime to try and give myself away through service and love.
Because that is truly when I feel the most at home and the closest to my Jesus.
I may never see the precious babies that stole my heart away ever again. But I have the faith that they will have amazing lives at Starfish without me and that they will be placed in amazing, loving homes. And that is what I'm praying for them daily. Even if my eyes never look directly into theirs ever again, I can cover them in love and prayer even if I am living half way across the world.
*If you want to see pictures of my babies, you can check out the blogs listed in my blog roll. Starfish Foster Home/Starfish Cleft Home*