Transparency....

I've sat down to write in my blog probably 15 times these past few days. But every time I sit down to write I find myself at loss for words. My goal with keeping this blog is to encourage the loved ones and friends that I left behind and to keep everyone updated on my life in China. But I also wanted to use this as a tool to reflect transparency on my adventures of living in China. I think we all want to be a part of something so much bigger than ourselves. We desire to have a role in a story that is so much bigger than what we can comprehend. Often when I use to think about moving to China I now see that I had this "romantic" idea of what would take place and how my life would be. I wanted to be part of something bigger than myself in moving to this country. This was the year of my life when I devoted my everything to being a vessel for God through a year of service. 

As with anything in life (or at least mine) nothing is ever the way I had it pictured. China was nothing like I had thought it was going to be. Most of the time when God tries to teach me something I drag my feet along most of the way until I finally trip and fall on my face. God started asking me this question, "What if you don't have a role to play in a big story? What if your name is never remembered? What if you moved all the way over to China and didn't have a single impact on a single child's life? Would you still be content? Would you be willing to live a life of loving worship to Me? Would you be content in living a life that was strictly worshipping the Creator of the universe and not having a role in any other story than that?"

These seem like silly questions to struggle with but I honestly found myself questioning my motives and my heart. The truth is I wasn't desiring that kind of relationship with the Creator at first..... I wanted to love God with everything that was in me while being part of a bigger story. But God wanted to bring me to a place where even if I accomplished nothing of any importance while I was here on this earth, could I be content with just loving Him with my whole heart, my life and my entire being? 

This is what I want my love to look like to my Creator. Even if I accomplish nothing while I'm on this earth, I want to be able to meet Him at the end of my life being able to say I just wanted You. 

Honestly I can say that I'm not at this point in my faith but it's what I desire.....