Monday, October 5, 2009

39 days and counting...

First thank you for your prayers about the apartment issues we have been facing.
No new information but I would be forever grateful if you continued to pray with me about the entire situation.

On another note......... I will only be living in China for 39 more days! (insert gasp here)
As I have mentioned before Julee and I have bought our tickets to return back to the States on Nov 13th.
Tomorrow we will celebrate our 8 month of living in China.
We were talking about our past 8 months today over coffee (yes, I drink coffee now)
and it was amusing for us to talk about how much we've learned over that time.
8 months doesn't sound like a significant time but boy have we been through a lot while living here.
I got on the plane 8 months ago as one version of Chrissy and I will be getting on the plane as a newer version of myself. Hopefully one resembling more of my Jesus.
But now that we are officially under 40 days until we leave and my mind has been going 100 mph.
I walk in the baby apartment at times and I find my eyes welling up with tears knowing in 39 days I will no longer be able to hold my babies at any given time.
I will miss their smell as I walk into there apartment at night. You walk in and hear an orchestra of little snoring noses and you smell a distinct/beautiful baby smell.
When I smell them and hear their little snores I feel completely at home.
It's one of my favorite things I have ever experienced.

But I have found myself feeling the closest to what I would imagine a mother feeling.
I keep thinking about what could happen when I am no longer here with them.
I am not the mother to these babies but I have fallen in love with them and have created a maternal like bond with them.
I feed them, I change their stinky diapers, I wipe their snotty noses, I hold them when they are upset, I am there with them during hospital/dentist visits and I cry with them when they are sick.
And I have an unspeakable joy and love for each and everyone of them.
They are God's gift to this earth in my opinion and I couldn't imagine this world without them.
I look at them and a feeling of love floods my heart and I can't do anything but thank Jesus for my time I've had with them.
But recently I've been struggling with the idea that I will only have a few more weeks with them before we are separated by a giant ocean and millions of people.
And I found myself worrying and fearful of what I am going to miss in their little futures.
And this is when I truly felt like I had one of my first "mommy Chrissy" moments because I found myself thinking that these babies were mine to protect and love.
(which is hysterical because these babies are loved beyond measure and cared for beautifully)
But I had a moment none the less.
And in that moment I had a famous *God slap*.
And I heard a small voice in my heart say "they were never yours, they are Mine".
And I realized as silly as it sounds, I have had a mindset that these babies are mine.
Somewhere along the time we have been here I took my God given gifts in my own hands and said "these are mine now, thanks Jesus but I've got it from here".
If you haven't noticed yet, I'm a slow learner at times and I never cease to amaze myself at how quickly I take situations into my own hands because in my silly little mind, I think I can do it better.
I have developed the illusion that I have these babies in my control or grasp.
But in reality, they never were mine to have.
One of the first things God taught me when I moved to China was that I was a "nobody".
Meaning, God allowed me to move to China and work with orphans but in reality He didn't need me here.
He is the all powerful God, He could have a thousand more qualified people here in a heartbeat to work with His orphaned children.
I was not here to change any child's life. Because I cannot change anyones life for the better in and of my own strength.
I am merely in China because God opened the door and I vowed to live a life of worship to Jesus in whatever way I could.
But in no way did China need me. And in no way did these orphans need me.
They need Jesus. In the same way that I do. And you do.
And strangely enough, I found comfort in the fact that I am a nobody.
I wrote in my journal " My desire for my life is to simply be a forgettable or invisible character in the story. But a character in the story none the less. Because where the story ends up is where I want to be"
But somewhere along the way I lost sight of that truth and decided that I loved these babies to much not to grab them up in my own arms and create the illusion that they were mine.
But over these past few days I have realized that I love these babies even more than I ever could imagine I would.
And because of that love, I have to give them back to Him.
The only One that can truly love them the way they need loved and the only One that can truly protect them.
My babies are not mine. They were and always have been His.
And I am giving them back to Him.
Everyone one of them.

So Lord I give you:
Karl, Cameron, Olivia, River, Nava, Matilda, Jessica, Antonia, Brian, Tim, Nadia, Julia, Clara, Stella, James, Stewart, Tina, Aaron, Megan, Anthony,
Thomas, Noa, Carmen, Jasmine, Sadie, Libby and all the rest of Your precious babies.
I am grateful and humbled to have met everyone of your Precious children and I have learned so much about your love for your children through my relationships with your precious orphaned babies. My heart will grieve the reality that I will no longer be here to wipe their little tears but my heart will rejoice in the truth that You will always be with them.
And that I will forever be with You.

So I will most definitely cry my eyes out when I have to leave my babies.
And I will miss them terribly. And I already have an aching in my stomach about leaving them and missing them.
But I have complete peace that when I leave this place, my babies will never be alone.
And even though I won't be here to wrap my arms around them, He will never leave their side.
And that although they are not mine to give, I am giving them back to Him.


  1. As I am reading this I am amazed at how much like a mom you are. You may not realize it, but as a MOM, you have to let them be God's anyway. You wipe their noses, take care of them when they are sick, hug and kiss them, and try to provide for their emotional needs; but in reality they aren't yours. They are HIS. You just have had the privilege to play a part in their lives'. It took me a long time to realize that as a mom, but for you to already have that knowledge before you have children is awesome. It takes some of the pressure off. I can't imagine how hard day 39 will be for you, but I know that God will be with you every step of the way. He has already made that journey for you, you just have to walk through it. Maybe he has given you this perspective to fully grasp what it is like to be a birth mom and what it is like to give up your child. I don't know, but I do know that God has great plans for you and HE will use these last months to prepare you for your future. Be safe and I can't wait to see you.

  2. Oh Chrissy, I'm crying with you. What a beautiful post.

  3. Thank you for being a part of our daughter-to-be's life when she was at her most frail. What a wonderful blessing it is for us to know that while we were praying that wherever our daughter was that God would send someone to love and protect and care for her, God was already answering our prayer.